The nonsensical ramblings of a lunatic mind.

FYI

Wed, 14 May 2008 07:12:26 GMT

Oh hey gang! I should have posted this earlier, but thigns just happened so quickly that I only just now have had a chance to catch up with myself. So, I got that job at WILX and am currently a Production Assistant part time there. And even though it is only Part time, I get alot of hours, hopefully enough to pay the bills. But in any event I am extremely happy about finally getting a job and moving out of my parent's basement. Now I live with my brother in Lansing. All and all things are going good for me. I can't bother my pals in Kzoo as often as before, but you gotta break eggs right? Anywho, I need to hit the sack so I'll leave this brief, but I have to extend a HUGE thank you to Charlene for helping me out. I owe you. Just name your price and I'll see you get what's coming to you.

Later Gators,
Jess

Mi ultimo recuerdo
Corria hacia la puerta
Ver una candela en el camino
Por donde habia llegado
"Relax" dijo el portero
Por mi es honor recibir
Puede salir cuando quiere
Pero nunca yo partir

Back from Lansing!

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:23:28 GMT

Hey Y'all!

For those of you who care (all 3 of you), I am back from my trip to Lansing. My job interview got delayed to Tuesday (today) instead of yesterday so I had an extra day of mukkin' about in Lansing. Which was nice, I got a chance to visit Laura and by some strange stroke of luck I bumbed into Toby, whom I haven't seen in years. We ate some sushi, ran into a head case, and shot the shit. But I'm sure you could care less about me catching up with people you've never heard of so I'll cut right to the point. My job interview went well. The guy was very approachable and seemed very cool. The interview was very informal, and by that I mean he didn't ask me 32 predetermined questions and have me fill out pages upon pages of "Would you rather..." questionaries. In fact, I think I asked him more questions then he did me. Anyway, he let me know that there are 2 positions open and there are 4 applicants. So base numbers I have a 50/50 shot of getting this job. Since I have a friend that works there and I didn't drop a duece on his desk or make any jokes about "darkies", I'd say my chances of being hired are very good. I'll keep everyone who cares abreast of the situation. I am supposed to hear back from him next week, so hopefully this will be the last few days of factory work I ever have to do. Not that my job at Plating isn't appreciated, it's just I didn't spend thousands of dollars and 4 years of life to clean nickel off of copper racks.

XOXO,
Jess

Dense fog of uranium dust,
can't really hide them leaky buckets of rust.
The ugly truth will put you in the ground.
So rise up and burn the Pump House down.

Something in the water,
Something wierd in your mother,
Killing your sisters and your brothers.
Something in the cold well waters...

Finally some good news!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:49:24 GMT

Hey gang!

I just got an interview scheduled for this Monday with WILX for a Production Assistant position. I can't relay the amount of joy and excitement I have right now. After almost 2 years of jack and shit, I finally will have a chance to find some work involved with my degree. Even if it is only part time to start with. I don't even care. I'll flip burgers on the side if I have to. Anything to get me in my field.

Big, no HUGE thanks to Charlene. If you just so happen to land me this gig, I'll buy you a drink. Or ten. Anything you want. Anything

XOXO,
Jess

I've gotta get my shit together
Cause I can't live like this forever
You know I've come too far and
I don't want to fail
I got a new computer,
and a bright future in sales, Yeah Yeah

Something completely different

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 20:01:20 GMT

Snyderman316 (3:40:47 PM): also, I left a message at WOOD TV 8
mubglonk (3:41:02 PM): with Senor Joy?
Snyderman316 (3:42:12 PM): Yes, It went something like this: "I applied to your job three weeks ago, droppped off my application in person 2 weeks ago, and emailed you about a week ago. I am curious to know if the position has been fillied or if I am still in the running with for the job. Please call me back at blah blah blah...."
mubglonk (3:42:34 PM): Thats about right
Snyderman316 (3:43:10 PM): Too pushy?
Snyderman316 (3:43:14 PM): Or not pushy enough?
mubglonk (3:43:15 PM): I like to end with a vague threat actually
mubglonk (3:43:21 PM): not pushy enough
mubglonk (3:43:26 PM): something like...
mubglonk (3:43:27 PM): "Please call soon or I may be forced to take matters into my own hands."
Snyderman316 (3:43:46 PM): I will wear your skin and THEN give myself this job.
mubglonk (3:44:30 PM): Hell, I've got your skin, I may as well do your job. Then i'll do it badly and get you fired.
mubglonk (3:44:37 PM): Then you'll be fired AND dead!
Snyderman316 (3:45:07 PM): That is the best threat ever
mubglonk (3:49:01 PM): I do have my gems from time to time

Useless Lamentions

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 01:50:43 GMT

After my first few days back to the factory I am glad to report that the job I am doing there now is not nearly as terrible as the one I used to do there years ago. It's still boring, unfulfilling factory work, but it's much more bearable. Even still I am trying my best to get out of there as quickly as possible. Aside from the boring work, and still not being able to get a foot in the door in my intended career path, the thing that most irks me about the whole situation is that I can't hang out with my friends in Kzoo as much anymore. Over the past 6 months, going up there to hang out with Mia and her friends has been the sole spot of light in my otherwise dull stay here at home. Even as I write this I am missing out on not only thier game but also socializing afterwards. It is utterly depressing. All I can hope is that when I call WOOD TV 8 tomorrow they will have some good news for me so I can finally get started on my life after college.

I dunno, sometimes I think I bitch too much. Now has been one of those times.

XOXO,
Jess

Living Nightmare

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 11:18:52 GMT

Well, I have a job now. No, it is not a good thing. I am returning to the factory I spent two summers at to make money for school. The same grimmy, smoldering place I swore I'd never return to. In spite of recent events I have no choice but to return to that hope crush institution and earn a steady pay check. I don't think words can describe the amount of frustration I am feeling about this entire situation, Wood TV 8, and things in general. I know it seems hypocritical to complain about finally having steady work, but I am so fuck you. My only hope is that this stint will be a brief one, and that I can finally find a job that has to do with that degree I spent so much time and money to obtain. Because if I wanted to be nothing more than a factory rat, I could have gotten a girl pregnant in high school, bought a pick up, and completed the transformation.

Fucking Hell I do not want to walk out that door this morning. Someone go talk to John Joy and tell him to hire me. He'll have the most loyal, determined, and productive employee if he could get me out of here.

XOXO,
Jess

Fuck...

Running out of hope.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 10:07:34 GMT

Anyone wanna rob a bank with me? I need to get a few grand ASAP so I can move to Atlanta and find some work. I have a few guns and some old ski masks. I also just watched Inside Man and Heat, so we should be good to go. Let me know if you're interested.

XOXO,
Jess

Someone show me a way to get outa here,
'cause I constantly pray I'll get outa here
Please, won't somebody say I'll get outa here
Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here.

Stolen from Super Beckmo

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 02:11:20 GMT

Even I find some of these interesting.

What's in a name?
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME:(current pet, first car)
Kate Van

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Blue Moon Oreo

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Red Dragon (Komodo)

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Lee Bronson

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Sny Je

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Black Seven-Seven

7. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Clarence Robert

8. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent + favorite candy)
Gasoline Skittles

9.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
John Lee

10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Bolasky Boston (I think it sounds better switched.)

11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Winter Rose

12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + 'ie' or 'y')
Lemon Jeanie

13. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Mini-Frosted Shredded Wheat Burch

14. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Video Game Volcano Tour (That sounds bad ass!)

Much to do while a nothing

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:15:18 GMT

Cranglesmack (2:11:49 AM): Tacos are good.
Snyderman316 (2:10:48 AM): Agreed
Cranglesmack (2:12:13 AM): I just ate several.
Cranglesmack (2:12:38 AM): I got them at Taco Bell. Taco Bell does not make great tacos, but most tacos are worth the time and money regardless of the source.
Cranglesmack (2:12:49 AM): Taco Bell just happens to be open late.
Snyderman316 (2:12:01 AM): I like Taco Bell tacos, they are like the dirty slut of the Taco world
Snyderman316 (2:12:11 AM): cheap, easy, and fast
Snyderman316 (2:12:25 AM): but usually leave you with a burning hole at the end of the night
Cranglesmack (2:13:40 AM): Haha

Stuck in No Where

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 03:20:50 GMT

Disregard that last post. Money is tight, and I'm not sure what my plans are at this point.

That's it.

-Jess

New to this thing called the Real World

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 04:05:43 GMT

For those of you who still read this aging LJ, you might remember me mentioning that I was going to remain at my job for a few months before I try my next attempt at finding work relevant to the degree I so painstakingly fought to earn. Well it has been a few motnhs and I am starting operation "Get the fuck out of Bronson."

The operation is simple in design, but the devil is in the details: move out to California and find work. Tentatively I plan on moving out there sometime in September. Dave has offered to do some scouting for apartments near him, and for that I owe him a few rounds of drinks when I get out there. I'd also love to know if there is anyway to search for apartments out there while still here at home. Anyone know any websites that might help?

I also plan on starting up a website of my own. There I will showcase my ever-improving art and can also post all manner of things to dazzle the eye. I am curious to know if any of you have had any expierence with Dreamweaver or any of those other What-you-see-is-what-you-get programs out there. I'll probably end up grabbing a copy of it and trying it out myself, but any input would be very helpful.

That's all I have for now. I hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberspace.

Have a good one.
-Jess

This Just in!

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 02:22:08 GMT

Finally, something good on the internet.

XOXO,
Jess

Some Nonsense.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 18:43:21 GMT

Finally a good online quiz.

80%Mingle² - Free Online Dating</small

I smolder with generic rage.

Thu, 03 May 2007 08:24:30 GMT

April 1st 'til not has been a nail biting, stressful peroid for me. I've been checking my email almost every hour waiting for a response from Turner, and now with only two days before the May 4th deadline I have all but given up hope on hearing back from them. I'm afraid that my "breaking in" will not be as easy as I'd hoped. I'm afriad that I'm going to be in Bronson for at least a few more months with a job that rakes at my nerves while I build up enough funds to venture out. Then I have to figure out, where exactly this venture will take me. Do I move to Atlanta and try Turner again? Do I move out to LA like all would be media makers? Do I head to New York and get eaten alive my horrible flesh-eating zombies? Or do I find some crappy graphic design jon here in Michigan and enjoy the fruits of our bustling economy?

I don't know. What I want to do with my life doesn't really have a 12 step guide, just a collection of individual stories from others who have "made it." So what do I do? That is a question I am having some trouble finding an answer for. What I really do not want to happen is becoming complacent with my life of leisure here at home and give up on trying to do something productive with myself. I can find jobs that will pay the bills, and let me get a place of my own, but that's the ends of my means.

So I guess what I am getting at is that, I am getting at nothing and am not sure how to get there.

Blah,
Jess

PS: If only I went to business school.

And now, a present.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 07:17:46 GMT

After years of searching, here is something hilarious.

That really takes me back. Right Noell?

Jesse vs. Guitar Hero, or How to ostrasize your friends for thier hobbies.

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 19:21:07 GMT

As many of you that still read this dwindling journal of mine know that a few days ago I posted a link to a VGcats comic that poked fun at Guitar Hero, and surprisingly this has sparked some kind of hot internet debate. The usual content of this journal has never sparked such a response so I'm going to expand upon my thoughts concerning this issue.

Firstly, why I hate Guitar Hero.

To say that I HATE Guitar Hero is a bit extreme. The term hate implies that I care a great deal about the game and have very strong, anti-guitar hero sentiments. This is not true. I think the game is silly, impractical, and a waste of time, but that's it. I don't ring my hands in contempt for the software or its goofy looking controller for hours on end while I plot the downfall of the social group that enjoys the game. I simple dismiss it as being stupid.

And why do I think it's stupid? Primarily it is because it is a rhythm game at its core, and I'm not a fan of the rhythm genre. Yes, I was a fan of Dance Dance Revolution for a while but that was because I hadn't played a game with my feet since the days of Track and Field for the NES and once the novelty wore off I was right back to playing games involving machine guns and explosions. The genre of rhythm games I feel is very boring. You try to hit the right colored button or arrow at the right time, over and over again, until you can perfect one song or sequence and then move on to other songs or sequences of higher difficulty. Repetitive, yes, but then a lot of video games are, so I can't really fault Guitar Hero for that, but I feel that the repeated act in a game should be something worth having to do over and over again, like karate kicking a guy off a building or uppercutting someone into a ceiling of spikes. You know, something cool, not trying to reach from the green note to the orange one.

Which sort of brings me to the core of my dislike for the game. It's Simon. Remember that old game from when we were kids? The one were you had to hit the right colored buttons in the right order and they corresponded with a sound. That's what I feel this game is, just a really sophisticated one, which is probably where the charm for the game comes from. By mimicking actual performers and people of talent, you too feel as though you could in some minute way rock out if push came to shove... but only on medium songs. I don't know if that is from really good marketing or a natural byproduct from the game itself, but it is very annoying and somewhat disheartening to watch your friends triumph over "playing" an extremely dumbed down, and simplified version of a half-way decent rock song. It's like people who play Magic the Gathering or Yuh-gi-oh getting really excited over a big win and trying to explain to us what it meant that you pulled a Glacial Orb and a Grindstone in your first hand of cards.

And really, that is where all this resentment lies. Not really in the game, which I could have looked at once and never seen again in my life and not given a damn, but in the fanatical devotion players of the game have. By no accounts do I claim that the game isn't fun, I simply can't. There are millions of people out there buying the game, playing, and enjoying it. These are undisputable facts, but so is the example of Magic and Yuh-Gi-Oh I mentioned. Millions of people "waste" their time, money, and efforts on these silly card games and most of us look down on them as if they were idiots. Like they are dumb for enjoying something that was designed to be enjoyed.

I used the example of Furries to my friend Vedo the other day as a group of people that enjoy something "normal" people all think is retarded. Those of us unfortunate few who know what exactly Furry life entails no doubt think less of this individuals, but why? Sex is something most everyone enjoys to some degree or another, so why would dressing a particular way inhibit that enjoyment? It definitely "spices things up", and that seems to be what all married couples talk about these days on daytime TV. But we all still think of these people as weirdoes and degenerates, and really unless they are breaking laws they have every right to do what it is that they do.

So how does this tie back into Guitar Hero? It's very simple. That sort of resentment we all feel towards people with dumb hobbies is the same thing I feel towards my friends' love for this game. I don't hate the game, and I don't hate my friends, it's just simply a case of me liking oranges and them liking apples. There is nothing wrong with a game that makes you feel, even for a second, like an actual musician. Just try to keep your enthusiasm in check. Like a D&D player in a sporting goods store.

Hugs and Kisses,
Jess

PS: Double Dragon 2: The Revenge for the NES was the best game ever, simply for the fact that you not able to, but encouraged to karate kick men off of buildings.

Finally!

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:18:04 GMT

After months of endurance and quiet resentment, vindication. Finally, someone else sees the truth. If you want to play a guitar, take lessons. If you want to play a video game, play a fucking video game.

What the Terry Funk?

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 11:41:43 GMT

Is it really March 4th? Where the hell did February go? What the fuck have I been doing for the last 4 weeks?

Jesus. I am getting very sick of being at home with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I need to get the hell out of here and get started on my work. I've sent so many applications to Turner that I could blot out the sun, and not one damn acknowledgement that they even received anything I've sent them. It'd be nice to at least get a "What the fuck were you thinkin' even applying here?" letter. At least then I'd know that thier human resources department doesn't just have a tube in which all incoming applications are sent into that leads directly into a dumpster out back.

I have a few theories on my next course of action. I can either move to Atlanta/Burbank and try to get the wheels moving in person, or look for anyother means of employment. There are graphics design and Flash design jobs in Michigan that I am qualified for but have no interest in taking becuase I know I'll tell myself that it is only temporary untill something opens up elsewhere but then thirty years form now I'll find myself at the same desk wondering what the fuck happened. Then I'd be one of those 1/2 dimensional characters from "deep" movies everybody loves so damned much, and I'd have become something I hate.

However at this point I'm too frustrated and anxious to be picky. I wouldn't mind running a camera for a local News station if giving the chance. I just need something to occupy my mind otherwise I will have a break down and eventually give up on my desire to work in the cartoon industry. And that's something I do not want to carry with me for the rest of my life.

On top of that I've been putting up with an old problem that has reared her ugly head again. Yup, she's gotten ahold of me via the internet and is trying to reform some kind of warped friendship again. Although I think my vile temparment as of late has finally gotten the message that I don't want anything to do with her ever again across as I haven't heard from her in about a week or two, but I am reluctant to say I'm in the clear. She has a bad habit of resurfacing after a stretch of time, much like a boyant turd returns after several flushes.

I'm a master of mental imagery aren't I? And yet I'm still unemployed! Can you imagine that?

Anyway, this post has become much longer than I originally intended. I just hope I can finally get my break in the near future, whatever it may be. I'm half tempted to crawl on my knees and beg a certain former RA for a job of somekind, but I don't know how she'd take to the idea of working with the same man who used to powerbomb his roomates into bookshelves. Plus I'm not even 100% sure how to contact her.

Regardless, I am tired and frustrated and am in much need a few hours' sleep. I hope the world is treating you kindly gentle reader, wherever you are finding yourself.

Hugs and Kisses,
Jess.

It always kills me when I read that pretty girls think they are ugly. I can never tell if it is just a cry for attention, or whether they really can't see how beautiful they are. But what do I know? I'm just a simple sandwich man.

When you hear me knocking don't you give a second thought
You know who I've been running with and you know that I've been caught
Nothing I can say can change the way that I've lived my life
When you hear me knocking at the gates of hell tonight
You know I'll be knocking at the gates of hell tonight

I thought I'd found my way out but it's too late to put it right
It's the heart of midnight and my luck's run out tonight
I tried to put the past behind I thought I'd seen the light
But it was just the flames burning at the gates of hell tonight
the flames are burning at the gates of hell tonight

Sweet something... of... someplace...

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 19:34:44 GMT

It's been awhile all you cats and kitties out there in Internetland, but I have a few things to annouce for my nerd buddies. The rest of you can go to hell.

Alright Super nerds, after much toil and gnashing of teeth I (with an assist or two from Special Agent Cockrell) have found a means by which we can keep up with each and play tabletop games no matter where we are. And the kicker is it won't cost you a dime. Unless you don't own a microphone, then it will cost you around ten bucks or so. Of course, you do need a computer, do I guess if you don't have one of those then you'll have to pick up one of those, and they can cost ya a pretty penny.

Anyway, using a combo of Teamspeak 2, and RPtools, we can simulate a tabletop experience no matter if one or all of aren't in the same county. Handy, huh?

What you'll need to do is download each of these programs and then use a phone or a instant messenger and get my IP address. Then you can connect to my servers and let the fun begin! Now, I hope to be going to Mt. P this weekend to get in on some LOTR and possibly SAS action, weather and GM permitting. There I should be able to answer any questions you may have and help in the installation process.

On a side note, I've been working on a d20 Giant Monster RPG and it is almost complete. It is essentially a modifcation of the standard d20 SAS rules, so you wont have to learn a whole new system or anything. I was wondering if you guys and dolls up at CMU wouldnt mind play testing it for me this weekend. Nothing fancy, just a few battles to see if the combat system works right or if it is FUBAR. So let me know and I'll try to have it finished by this weekend.

Other than those two things I haven't much to report. The T3 program is taking Aps now and I am all primed and pumped with my demo reel (Thanks again Greiner!) and will be applying sometime this week. Right now TBS and CNN have openings. I wish Cartoon network would post something, but I can't afford to wait around, you know?

For the rest of you pour souls who read through all that and have 0 idea what the hell I'm talking about, you have my congratualtions... and my pity.

Keep on keepin' on brother,
Jess

On the road to success.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 08:07:18 GMT

Been awhile since I posted anything worth a shit on this here journal o' mine, but now I finally have something noteworthy to post. Tuner Broadcasting System is offically taking Aps for its Tuner Trainee Team. Basically, it's a big intern/training program for would-be future up-comers in the Turner Empire. This of course includes Cartoon Network. Which is exactly what I need to get myself into to jumpstart this career thingie I've been hearing about. Aside from the standard Resume and Cover Letter I need a Demo Reel. I'm hoping to piece together a DVD with clips from Game Over, my ill-fated 522 short film, and examples of my character design work. The only problem is I have no idea how to use DVD authoring software and have no means to access it. So I was wondering if there are a few of you Tech savvy folks out there willing to throw this dog a bone. Anyone out there able to help me out with this? I'll pay you in mentos.

Hugs and Kisses,
Jess

My thoughts concerning the date.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 17:30:16 GMT

Merry Christ's Mass everyone. A day about the salvation of mankind through its savior Emmanuel, not about gifts and consumerism. Tell Santa he can go get fucked. Fuck the Romans and thier Saturnalia. Christmas belongs to Jesus. Now where's my morningstar? I have alot of people on my "naughty" list this year.

I've made a list and I'm not bothering to check it twice...

-Jess

A hypothetical...

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 04:45:49 GMT

Why bother logging onto an Instant Messenger if you are always in away mode? Why not just turn the fucking thing off if you aren't going to us it? If you just want to recieve messages, THAT'S WHAT FUCKING EMAIL IS FOR!!!!

A Bit of Fiction

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 17:33:14 GMT

I've put this off for far too long. Here it is in it's splendor:

Cursed Earth: The World We Knew, Epilogue

Top Hat emerged from the rubble shaken, bruised, but otherwise unharmed. Something in her alien physiology coupled with the advanced design of the Transhumanists’ compound allowed her to survive the thermo-nuclear blast from that damned machine. Whatever that machine was, it did its job. Both of the assaulting armies lie in ruin amidst the shattered remains of the formerly serene countryside. She surveyed the devastation, looking for any survivors between the crumbling remains of the techno-cult’s former lair but found none. She shrugged and made her south, back into the desert wasteland from whence she came; stopping only once to reflect on the friends she had lost.

After a period of aimless wandering, Top Hat would stumble across a hidden cache of archaic tomes, brightly colored and illustrating how peoples like her were created. She was convinced that these relics were sacred texts handed down to her from On High. Taking a cue from the vivid hieroglyphics, Top Hat created a haven in the wasteland for peoples like her, a sanctuary for those possessing extraordinary abilities and powers. There, she trains anyone willing to make the journey in the control, application, and refinement of their gifts. The holy tapestries (to which they are referred to) are on display in the school and are treated with the same respect and awe in which modern day peoples observe the Bible. Even now wayfarers in the wasteland tell tales of passing the school at night hearing the prayers to the saint “Professor X.”

The burst of radiation from the explosion is what actually revived him, but it was the stench afterward that stuck in his splintered mind the most. The reek of burnt flesh and human effluence smoldered in his nostrils for what seemed like an eternity. Who knows how long he lay there staring at that putrid sun with his one remaining eye? Days, years, eons crawled by while his body, steeped in nourishing fallout, reconstituted itself. When his limbs were finally formed enough to allow movement, Laughing Jack arose like a glowing, cancerous phoenix amidst the wreckage and desolation that was once the base of operations for a group almost half as mad as himself. With a hearty chuckle, Jack hopped from body to body checking for any other living creature. Finding none, Jack lifted his head to the sky and howled with all the fervor and lunacy of a thousand occupants of the funny farm. He shrieked and cackled until his voice failed and all the sound he could muster was a sickening wheeze that parodied true laughter. Slinking off into the wasteland he once called home, Jack disappeared back into the unknown.

Little is known of what truly ever became of the creature that called itself Laughing Jack. Some say that he picked up where he left off before his involvement with the remnants of the outside world, scrounging for whatever food that could be found in the charred remains of the Earth. Others say he spent the remainder of his unnaturally long life tormenting the surviving members of the Enforcers, taking revenge whenever he could against the organization that was so quick to draft and dispose of him. Others still tell of a gangle-creature haunting the streets of D-Town, removing any would-be crime bosses and protecting the weak and wounded that would otherwise be at the mercy of the drooling lunatics that roam the back alleys and dead ends of the rotting city. A sad few recall the tragic story of a misshapen wanderer cursed with the gift of eternal life amidst a sea of death and decay, forced to watch everyone around him wither and die, even the only one who saw past his grotesque exterior fell victim to the ravages of time.

Damn that muscle-bound freak. If I ever find that stinkin’ rat again I’ll-
Something shifted to Blue-Eyes’s right. A spattering of rubble clattered to the ground as a metallic hand shifted from underneath a fallen wall. Before he could think his gun was already in his hand, hammer pulled back, ready to blast whatever else could have survived that blast.
“Assistance. Required.” That familiar lifeless metal voice creaked.
“How in damnation?”
“Who. Is. There?” The voice inquired.
Amidst the rubble and scorched ground the familiar silver skull of the villain answering to SM-2030 squirmed, caught between the blackened remains of the Transhumanist compound.
“You.”
“You. Human. Male. Answering. To. Blue. Eyes. Assist. Me. I. Can-
“Die.”
The echo of the shot rang throughout the recently carved crater. The familiar sting of cordite hit Blue-Eyes’s nostrils. SM-2030 was dead. He may, with the help of his battle frame, have survived that explosion, but no man, no matter how duded up, can survive a .45 round to the forehead at pointblank range. Especially if followed by five friends.

Blue-Eyes returned Sinner to her holster and surveyed the damage. The former military/laboratory complex was in shambles. Both its mechanized defenders and the combined armies of Vault 6 and the Enforcers lie scattered and broken. His friends were gone. No way in Hell anyone else could have survived that blast. It was only by the grace of God that he was standing after the elevator collapsed and fell back down its shaft. All Blue-Eyes knew was that he was lucky to be alive and was once again alone. With a heavy sigh, Blue-Eyes squared his shoulders and climbed his way back to the surface and made his way south to whatever life he may yet find in the wasteland.

Little is known of whatever happened to Blue-Eyes. Rumors persist of a gun for hire that is willing to do almost any job if the pay is right and Rad-away meds are part of the deal. Residents of No Hope still tell the tale of how a Godsend Gunman freed them from the tyranny of a Gas Marauder and his band of outlaws, and how he inspired the citizens to stand up in the face of adversity, changing their inclinations by so great a degree that the sparse, desert town renamed itself to Last Hope shortly after his bullet-ridden visit. As sudden and mysteriously as he came so too did he disappear back into the wasteland from whence he came. Only the coarse, hot winds of Cursed Earth truly know what happened to the gunman called Blue-Eyes.

Sadly, not all of the members of that fateful party have miraculous tales of survival. One of the downsides of being a martyr is that you have to die. However, it is not how they died that matters, but how they lived. Such is true of the life of Dwight Reynolds. Through his brave, almost fool hardy actions, many innocent lives were spared. The few townsfolk that call Gas Pit their home now live in peace and tranquility thanks to Dwight’s actions. However, one citizen sits restlessly by his shattered window, hoping to see the distant headlights of the man who was once the closest thing to a father he had ever known. That day never comes.

Day after day he becomes more anxious, longing to seek out the fate of his idol. Eventually he can no longer contain his fretful mind and ventures out into the wasteland with both the knowledge and the hardware handed down to him by Dwight. Rolling along the remains of fallen cities in the skeleton of an Abrams Tank, the solitary wanderer known only as “The Kid” forever searches for his long lost mentor. Riding along with him is the honor and valor bestowed upon by his childhood hero, as well as a familiar looking sawed-down Remington rifle.

No one really knows what happens in a black hole. It is possible that some alien form of existence lies on the other side of that crushing infinity. Can the same be said for those unfortunate few caught in the atom splitting radius of ground zero from a 20 megaton bomb? The only ones that know for sure are incapable of letting us know one way or the other. So goes the aftermath of Big Al. The man who became a living weapon brought life to the survivors of Cursed Earth by destroying the biggest threat to their existence, the twisted, self-mutilating techno-cult calling themselves the Transhumanists. By trying to become the perfect human, they lost touch with that while makes a person human in the first place. Thanks to Al’s suicidal conviction, the Transhumanists are no more and the peoples of Cursed Earth survive another day, but how long before a new threat arises that jeopardizes the small sliver of life that still clings to the rotting carcass of our once lush and beautiful planet?

Find out in the next installment of the Cursed Earth trilogy, “Life After Earth.”

Choke on it,
EDM

One word: Russians.

A Halloween reminder.

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 20:49:27 GMT

Alright, I know alot of you are planning to head out tonight, in full costume, and are going to God-knows-where in the dead of night. I know I can't stop you even if I had a mind to do so, but I would be neglecting my duties if I did not provide you will a quick guide to what you may run into tonight. No, I don't mean drunks in crappy costumes. Tonight, above all other you may run the risk of actually running into a creature of supernatural origin. Not because today is any different from any other Tuesday, but because of the opportunity today presents. When else could a nightmarish creature show its face to the general public and not be chased back into the shadows by an angry mob? Today, and maybe Passover, but that's it. So I will provide you will the top list of monsters you may run into out there tonight in some dark alley.

Now, it's important to remember that above all else you should try to avoid combat with these creatures. Why involve yourself with the age old battle between good and evil if you don't have to? Especially since most of us are ill-equiped to deal with such abominations. Leave slaying the beast to the slayers, hunters, or whatever they are calling themselves these days. If at all possible, avoid contact and make a quick (but not paniked) get-away. That being said, here is a quick guide to staying alive tonight:

Vampires

Tonight is the mostly likely time in your life that you will ever see a supernatural creature, and the most likely of those creatures are one of these neck-biters. Normally, vampires keep a low-profile and can pass for human, albiet it a pale and emaciated one. But when over 43% of the general public is dressed up like some kind of ghoul or another Vampires can not only pass for human more easily, they usually get compliments on thier cool "costume." Now, the breadth and bevy of powers and abilities vampires posess are too numerous to go into detail here. So I'll stick to what works and what doesn't work against these blood suckers.

What Works:
First and foremost the bane of the vampire in the old fashioned wooden stake through the heart. It will paralyze a vampire as long as the stake remains plunged into the thing's chest, giving you ample time to decapitate or immolate the creature, the only two ways to permanately kill a vampire. However, this method presents 2 major problems. Firstly, finding a wooden stake is going to take some searching. Unless the host of the party you are at tonight builds fences for a living, you're going to be hard pressed to find a stake lying around. In a pinch, a chair leg or a baseball bat (both properly sharpened or splintered) can be used as an improvised stake. Which brings me to problem number 2, actually hitting the thing in the heart. A vampire isnt going to sit idly by while you try to stake him. An actuall fight with one of these creatures is a dangerous endeavor that event seasoned slayers struggle with.

Vampires do however have some other weakness that you can exploit. Vampire cannot cross running water. No I don't mean a running faucet or a garden hose, but any kind of stream, river, or creek with present an uncrossable barrier between you and it. However, vampires can be carried across. So if the vampire has any minions at his or her disposal (and they usually do), it will only provide a temporary distraction.

Also, Vampires cannot enter private homes without permission. Now I know what you are thinking "Bullshit! I saw in Buffy season one Angel walked right into...". One important thing to remember is that this is real life and not some dramatized fiction meant to ensnare audiences. Can you imagine how boring vampire movies would be if they kept 100% true to the facts? Van Helsing could have just run home and locked the door. End of movie. Not very exciting is it? Now, what is important to remember is once you get inside a private place (preferably your own home) you must make sure that you do not leave a door open at anytime. Do not assume the vampire has left and you can go back to the party at Jackie's place. In fact, if you see any kind of supernatural creature it's best just to call it a night.

Of course the best defense against a vampire, as well as the safest, is to keep the vampire at bay will a crucifix. Why a crucifix? Well, since I do not wish to start a theological debate just take my word that this time honored symbol will prevent a vampire from approaching you. That's not to say it will stop trying to harm you or flee. This isn't a full-proff method of protection. Use it as a way to give you an escape route or a chance to pick up that stake you dropped a few seconds ago. It's also worth mentioning that anything of Holy origin will damage or repel a vampire. Saint's ashes, sacred Eucharist, red roses, anything that filled with positive energy will ward off a vampire.

Now, the wierdest method of all for dealing with a vampire is the little know handful of rice trick. As the name implies you need a hanful of rice, or salt, sand, anything numerous and small. Once you have that toss it on the ground in front of the vampire and command it to count the objects. For some reason or another (no one yet knows why) The vampire will be commpelled to stop what it's doing and count all the grains of rice or whatever untill it is done. Sometimes this will even occupy the vampire long enough that he or she will be still counting the rice as the sun rises and destroys the vampire once and for all.

What Doesn't Work:
The biggest misconception concering vampires is the belief that silver is an effective weapon against them. This is a case of mistaken identity. Silver is the bane of lycanthropes, not vampires. If you try to stab a vampire will a silvered knife, he will laugh at you as he drains your life blood out of your neck.

Secondly, garlic has no effect on vampires. I don't even know how this ridiculous myth started. Don't waste time wafting this fragrent stuff at the undead, grab a cross and get the hell out of there.

The most important thing to remember when facing a vampire is that conventional violence will not work. Shoot 'em all you want, they will just get back up and rip out your throat after you've spent all your precious ammo.

Zombies

A cousin to the vampire and currently the most popular monster thanks to more and more movies featuring them, Zombies are a dangerous threat that can easily get out of hand very quickly. Now, for best source on how to deal with these shamblers I suggest you read Max Brooks's Zombie Survival Guide. Now I know finding that book may take longer than an afternoon to find and certainly longer to read so I'll attempt to give you the most important things to keep in mind when facing flesh eaters.

Much like vampires, conventional harm will not stop a zombie. The only way to put one down is to destroy thier brain. This means you'll need a weapon cappable of either smahing in thier skull, decapitate them, or puncture thier head. For detailed summary of what weapons to use I suggest thumbing through the fist few chapters of Max Brook's guide.

However, fighting zombies is a great way to get bit and become one. More so that any other monster you should attempt to flee any kind of zombie attack. Once you are certain of a zombie pressence, drop your costume, tie up any long hair, and find a bike. Extra or loose clothes as well as long hair provide zombies with excellent handles by which to grab and pull you to a tooth filled demise. The bike will prove a quick, and quiet means of escape, as well as the manueverablility to weave in and out of traffic, alleys, or a horde of zombies themselves.

Once, you are away form the zombie threat retreat to your home's second story or any other above ground hiding plac and attempt to contact the police. It's also important to keep by a radio to know whether the problem has resolved itself or is out of hand and escaping the city is next on your to-do list.

Lycanthropes

Simply known as werewolves to the general public, lycanthropes (or lycans), can be more than just a man that can turn into a wolf. Any combonation of mammal-human is possible, such as were-bear, were-jackal, or were-tiger. Other combonations exist but are execeptionally rare.

The most important thing to remember when dealing with lycans is a physicall fights ten times out of ten will result in you being clawed and biten to death. Lycans enjoy super human strength, speed and toughness. It sounds morbid, but let other fool-hardy individuals find themselves in the unforgiving jaws of a werewolf while you make your way out the door.

Two things are effective against lycans: Silver and belladona. Otherwise known as wolf's bane, belladonna is blue flowered-like plant that grows in temperate woods. Belladona is a strong poison, so do not attempt to handle it with bare hands. Once you do have a strand of it, attach it to a long stabbing weapong, preferable a spear or fire-poker, and stab it into the were-beast. It's poison will temporarily subdue the beast's powers and revert him or her back into a human. At that point restrain the individual and wait untill help arrives. Now, silver will deal mortal blows to a lycan, but unless you're the Lone Ranger finding a decent supply of silver weapons will be a difficult task. The single most readily available source is silverware. Old-fashion forks and knives were infact made of silver, hence the name. Any house that has been around long enough is sure to have some "good silver" in an attict or drawer. Find it and use it to fend off the lycan while you escape.

The good news about lycans is that they can only appear during a full-moon. Tonight's forecast is cloudy, so you shouldn't have to worry about lycans tonight. Unless a tempestari plans on changing current weather conditions.

Reanimated Men

One would think this name implies the undead, but in fact it is the exact oppostie. Reanimated men (though they aren't all necessarily male) are a collection of body parts and ograns brought back to life, typically by some wild-eyed scientist. Now, the most important thing to keep in mind with reanimated men is that they are in fact only human. Despite what the surgical scars and raggedy clothing suggests, they are not super strong or super tough. A nice blast from a 12 gauge will bring one of these down no problem.

However, not all reanimated men need to be executed like a rabid dog. Sometimes the brains they are given are intact and capable of cognitive tought and may prove to be gentle giants. However, if the brains they are given are in fact abnormal in anyway, they can be prone to wild mood swings and dangerous rampages. Even though, as stated earlier, reanimated men arent superhuman, they are usually in fact really big guys. The body parts used to create them were artifically enlarged to make the procedure used to create them easier. Meaning they have increased muscle mass and size. Think of two Offensive Linemen taped together. That's the kind of raw strength many of these creatures wield.

The best weapon to use against these creatures is fire. Something deep within the monster has a natural fear of this element and fill flee at it at first sight. Those of you who smoke will find dealing with these creatures much easier than nonsmokers. Just flash them your zippo and watch them run.

One important note about these things, do not under any circumstances attempt to use electricity against them. Huge voltages of electricity were used to create these monsters and only serve to fuel these creature's bodies, making them stronger and filling them with a deadly electric charge. Try to keep them away form any downed powerlines or transformer boxes.

The good news about these beasts is that thier coordination is greatly hindered from thier reanimation. Thier joints are stiff and ridged, making walking difficult and running almost impossible. Use this to your advantage and leg it as soon as you discover your date at the massquerade ball has too convincing of a Frankenstien costume.

Fish Men

Fish men are the next evolutionary step for canrvenerous fish, such as pirhana. They have the basic humanoid features of your typically human, plus the fins, gills, and powerful jaws of a seven foot barracuda. These creatures are extremely tough. Thier jurassic like armor plating makes shooting them an exercise in futility. Unfortunatly they has been dislodged from thier natural environment thanks to the slash and burn agroculture of the Amazon region. Many of these walking sharks are finding homes in our nearby lakes and ponds. If you are planning on skinny dipping in unfamilar waters keep these things in mind:

-Do swim in water that is deeper than your chest. Any deeper than that and you run the risk if being pulled under by one of these monsters.
-Do not disturb any inclosed or otherwise secluded bodies of water. Often times Fish men make thier homes in hard to reach areas to avoid contact with other predators, but if you wander into thier den then they will come down on you with all the fury of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
-Avoid urinating while swiming. I know the urge to do so is strong, but pissing in the water is the best way give off your scent and attract one of these deep sea beasts.
-If you do think thier might be a Fish Man in the pond you are swimming in, quickly but calmly make your way out of the water and back to dry land. While these creatures are amphibic, they can't spend all day on land. So get back on land and get as far away from the lake as possible.

One important note: These beasts seem to be attracted to handsome females. For some reason or another, they attempt to capture human females and take them back to thier den. If you are a comely young woman, be sure to take extra care before jumping into unfamilar waters or you may find yourself the target of an wanted monster's affections.

Giant Monsters

Sometimes, thanks to the advent of nuclear radiation and other hazardous waste or culture creates, normal sized bugs or animals grew to hundreds of times thier normal size and terrorize entire cities. While these breed of monsters are highly unlikely, a few simple steps can be taken to help ensure your safety should one such monster arrise tonight.

Firstly, always keep a radio on or a TV tuned a major netwrok such as ABC, CBS, or NBC. Should a giant monster (or kaiju for you Japanesse purests) begin a campaign of destruction these mediums will have plenty of press coverage on the event. This is your preliminary warning. Take down as much infomation reguarding the monster as possible. Size, speed, general location, and destination are vitals pieces of intelligence you need in order to elude a trampling.

One you discover where this thing is head, grab a bike, yes a bicycle, and get as far away from the monster in the opposite direction of which is heading. All too often people will attempt to out run a monster whose stride alone is able to cover several city blocks. If the monster is heading towards your area, take a perpendicular path. Never attempt to out speed a giant monster.

The bicycle is critical in your escape. Much like with zombie attacks, droves of people will all attempt to flee the city at once with thier vehicles leading to traffic jams and congestion. A bike, or more preferable a dirt bike or motorcycle, will allow you to thread the needle of traffic and get out of dodge while those unfortunate souls in thier cars get smashed by an oversized bettle.

Secondly, on your way out of town be sure to grab a handful of provisions because chances are your home, grocery store, and/or your whole damned neighborhood will be nothing but rumble once the monster is subdued. So its imporant to have something to live off of while you wait for Government aid to arrive. Since it is Halloween, be sure to grab something that is actually food and not sugary junk. Nab a few caramel apples or donuts. While they are sugary, they do provide basic nutrition that will last you a handful of days if properly rationed, plus the sugar will provide you will a short burst of energy in case you should need to pedal away from the second attack of a gigantic dinosuar.

Now, it is important to keep in mind that should a giant monster set its sights on you, you have little chance of eluding it. Its simple physics. Unless it is especially slow, like a blob of carneverous slime, it's size alone will make up any distance covered even by a speeding muscle car, but if you get an early heads up there is no reason why you cant successful evacuate from the juggernaut's warpath.

Some important side notes: These monsters are typically radioactive, meaning that re-entering the city after the monster is gone is a great way of getting radiation poisoning. Take your time going back home, and make sure the local authorities have run a Giger counter throught he area. It wont do you any good to survive the monster's wrath if you succumb to radiation later on. Lastly, sometimes these monsters posses powerful bio-weapons such as breath weapons or similar attacks. Should the monster attacking your city have one of these weapons thier destructive capabilites are doubled, making all the more important to discover the monster early and get out of thier way.

Skeletons

If vampires are the cousin of zombies, then skeletons are thier step-brother. Skeletons are the bones of the dead brought back to life by black magic. They are faster and more cunning than thier rotting counterparts, but should you run into a pack of walking bones follow these nuggets of wisdom and you might just escape with your life.

Firstly, Skeletons can be broken by bludgeoning wepaons. Baseball bats are number one on the list of bone-breakers. Usually some meat-head at the party cant think of anything better and wear thier old jersey and carry a bat around as a sad excuse for a costume. Commondere one of these beautifully crafted clubs and go for the skull. Keep in mind, this is very important, often times skeletons will reassemble themselves after being knocked apart. The only way to keep them down to kill the warlock or sorceror that created them in the first place. He or she usually won't be nearby, so use the time the skeletons take repairing themselves to get out of harm's way. Also keep in mind guns, and slashing or stabbing weapons are almost useless against skeletons. They also are immune to fire, cold, and many other things creatures with flesh would otherwise be vulnerable to.

The most important thing to remember when dealing with skeletons is that they are smart. They can use weapons, armor, and impliment plans. If a horde of walking bones get a hold of some weapons or, God forbid, guns, make no attempt to aproach them. Escape, find a safe hiding place and wait for a trained Hunter to deal with them.

The good news is the spell that is used to create skeletons has a fixed duration. Your best bet is to wait them out and eventually they will collapse back into the pile of bones they came from.

Aliens

Visitors from beyond the stars often crash the party here on Earth around this time of year. Aliens' greatest strength is thier superior intelligence and technology. Thier death rays can quickly reduce a battalion of well-trained soldiers into a pile of ashes. Our weapons are useless against them. Thier enegry shields and vibranium armor turn even the most powerful artilery shell or missle into a harmless annoyence. So how in the world are we to defend ourselves against these deep space terrors? It's actually quite simple.

Now, your typical alien are killed by either germs, or water. Since from whatever planet they are from doesn't have the same microbes and diseases we have, thier immune systems are ripe for sickness. Usually these aliens anticipate this and wear protective glass helmets or other such devices. That being the case, it's only a matter of cracking the glass and exposing them to our atmosphere. That being said, keep in mind this is a double-edged sword. They too will be carrying alien microbes and diseases from thier home planet, so try not to get too close to an exposed alien.

If they are in fact vulnerable to water, go grab a super soaker or a water pistol and defend yourself. Keep in mind the defense part of that sentence. Just because you posses the things' Achilless's Heel doesn't mean thier probes or death rays are any less effective on you. Try to contact the police or Government once you discover thier weakness. The sooner the higher-ups know what to do, the sooner they can mop up the problem and you can get back to parking with your sweety.

*It has been just brought to my attention that sometimes high-pitched sounds are also the bane form our other worldly invaders. Find some dog whistles or falsetto heavy vocalists records and take it too 'em.

Ghosts

Ghosts are tricky. They can't be killed through violence, nor can they be repelled by Holy relics. The best offense against ghosts is a strong defense. Ghosts are tied to either a specific place, or a specific purpose, such as killing whoever watches a cursed video tape. In order to avoid being the target of an ectoplasmic attack, follow these simple rules:

-Do not under any circumstances go into any abondoned buildings, old cemeteries, or places were people have been murdered or commited suicide. These places are the breeding grounds for supernatural occurances and entering them will draw the attention of a vengeful spirit.
-Do not call out any cursed names 3 times, especially into a mirror. Trying any of these after hour dares is a sure way to anger an otherwise dormant ghost.
-Do not mock, or make fun of anyone that died on the anniversary of thier death. You might as well be asking for death by doing so.
-Do not handle or otherwise expose yourself to any cursed objects. If a video game supposedly kills you after you play it, then why run the risk of awakening the ghosts in the programing? Put it down and leave it be untill it is proven otherwise.

If you should by accident anger a ghost, try your best to make amends or right whatever wrong that has turned them into a poltrigeise. Examples include burrying thier forgotten corpse, avengeing thier death, bringing thier killer to justice, or letting them see a loved one for the last time. Sadly, if a ghost is intent on killing you, there is very little you can do to stop them, unless you happen to have a photon ray just laying around.

Demons

Aside from the seer destructive ability of giant monsters and aliens, Demons are by far the most dangerous of supernatural creatures running around in the shadows. Not only can Demons kill you, but they can also endanger your very soul, which is far worse that a simple homicide. Much like vampires, Demon have an asernal of other-worldly powers at thier disposal, the depth of which I cannot even scratch the surface of. I will have give you some general guidelines when delaing with Demons.

Firstly, Demon very rarely show thier true form. They often disguise themselves as an average Joe and hide among us. They also can posses weak-willed individuals and use them like a cheap suit to do thier dirty work. Here are some hints that someone may be possesed by a demon or is in fact a demon themself.

-Does the person posses super human strength and dexterity? Can they lift well above a person of thier size normally could? Can they walk backwards on thier hands and feet down the stairs? If you say yes to any of these, chance are that you dealing with a demon and not the word's greatest athlete.
-Does the person have knowledge of places and things he or she has been seen before? Can the person speak additional languages that he or she did not previously know? Are any of these languages ancient ones that haven't been uttered in hundreds of years? Does the person twitch uncontrollably and speak in tongues? If so, you are either dealing a demon or a person with a mental condition of some kind. Either way, its best to steer clear of them for the time being.
-Does the person refer to themselves as plural or in the third-person? Examples include: "We are Legion," "Sarah does not like you." "We will burn this place to the ground!," etc.

If a person you know suffers from any of these ailments there are several steps you need to take for both your safety and thiers. Firstly, restrain the individual immediatly. This will be hard since the person may posses superhuman strength. Try to use the strength in numbers ruetine and overwhelm the person with at least 4 other people helping you. Secondly attempt to contact a Catholic Priest as soon as possible. Again, I don't wish to start a theological debate, but trust me, Catholics have extensive knowledge on exorcising demons. Lastly, if you cannot subdue the person and he or she is starting the shed the blood of the innocent, try this trick: encircle yourself in a circle of salt. Yes, I know this is an old pagan tactic, but you can't argue with results. Go grab that box of Morton's Salt from the kitchen and lay down a layer of protection. It will keep the demon away from you, but wont stop them from killing your friends, so try to avert your eyes.

Finally there is one specific demon that demands additional warning: The Succubus. For those for you not in the know, a succubuss (or incubuss) is a demon that takes the appearance of a beautiful man or woman and attempts to seduce mortals in exchange for thier souls. By no means, I repeat by no means sleep with any sucipious people tonight, no matter how attractive they may seem, especially if they are "out of your league." Eight times out of ten the person is a demon trying to steal your soul by way of sex, the other times its usually just somebody who has had too much to drink. Either way, don't fall for it. If you have to sleep with someone tonight, be sure its somebody you know and trust, especially if its a guy who like but you think is too nice to be a boyfriend.

The Slasher

The last monster on my list is by far the most unrelenting. The Slasher is a type of monster that refers to a specific individual monster. Many of them have innocent sounding names, such as Jason or Freddie, but by no means are they lovable or even friendly for that matter. Each Slasher is kind of a case-by-case basis. Each one will vary on thier specific strengths and weakness, but thier are a few general guidelines that will up your chances of survival.

-Do not split up. If you think you are maybe being stalked by a Slasher, by no means send one member of your group off to investigate or go for help. You may as well slit thier throats yourself. Stay together, stay alive.
-Do not go anywhere where previous Slasher attacks have occured. They always come back for the sequel and the last thing you want is top biling in it. Stick to places you know deranged axe-wielding maniacs aren't.
-If you suspect you are the target of a slaher, do not stop your escape to take a shower, have sex, or remove your clothing for any means. Slashers can somehow pick up on nudity and will come straight for you if your pants are off.
-Do not hide in dark, secluded places if you can help it. Stick to public places. Slashers are less prone to appearing in front of a crowd.
-If you are hosting a party, be sure to lock up your garage or tool shed and keep any potentially deadly tools or weapons safely secured. The last thing you want to supply a madman with a plethora of possible killing tools laying around. Even something as simple as a noise maker can be a deadly weapon in the wrong hands.
-Lastly, if you are still technically a teenager your chances of encountering a slasher are doubled, so if at all possible stick close to home and do not go out if you don't have too. Why risk falling into the hands of a merciless killer just to show how independant you are to your parents? It's not worth it.

So if you follow these basic rules, there is no reason why you can't have a fun and safe All Hallow's Eve. And if are staring down the sights of some creature of the night, give 'em hell for me.

Take out there on Devil's Night.

Oh, BTW.

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 08:36:28 GMT

I guess it is All Hallow's Eve isn't it? I suppose I should give a celebratory comment of some kind, but I don't think I will. Halloween just isn't the same to me anymore. As a kid, and even as recent as a few years ago, I would relish the chance to dress up as something otherworldly and snag some candy (and more recently booze.) But lately I just don't see the point.

If I need candy, I can go buy some. If I need to get drunk, again I can go purchase the necesary materials. If I feel like dressing up, then I must have slipped back in time when I was quasi-goth for a time being. Not to say that a massquerade isn't fun, but something just doesn't sit right with me about a group of people pretending to be evil creatures of some form or another. Even celebrity costumes fall into that category. And of course there are those few folks out there that ruin it for everyone else. Spending hundreds of dollars on vampire fangs and too elaborate costumes only to spend the entire night "in character" and make things especially creepy. Then there are these neo-pagans that treat it like some kind of warped Christmas or something. If I were them I'd be really pissed to have my most sacred holiday reduced to a commercialized mockery of itself. Oh wait, I do know what that feels like. Damn you Santa Claus.

Anyway, the point I am getting at (that is if I have a point), is that I think I am finally ready to put away my capes and masks and try to make everyday a celebration of its own. 'Cause let's be honest, candy and booze are good the whole year 'round and finding a pink running suit and a black guy on a bicycle are too hard to find for a gag costume that only three people will get.

Choke on it,
Jess

N*gga stole my bike!